I'm not the best writer, that I'm aware of. I often have disorganized thoughts when written on paper, and it often seems like my points are all over the page.

I know I'm not exactly what you want, and you know I've possibly come to terms with it, but I wish it was me...

I'm sorry I can't match up. I would if I could.

When we sang teenage dream together, and you pulled me into you.

I feel bad as it's somewhat the song from my previous relationship, but it just feels much more real with you.

I guess at times I can come here to drop my reflections on life. I don't only think about my sadness you know.

Being in a "geek" school, you tend to attract stereotypes.

People tend to think that "Oh, he's a nerd, he probably studies all day long, or when he's free, reads up on nerd stuff and only does nerd stuff".

Okay, that may be true to a certain extent, people try to do a degree in a field in which they have an interest in, but also that they enjoy doing.

Here comes the separation.

There are people who literally do this, ALL the time. People who I know personally, who have been possibly my classmates from NUS High (see, "nerd" school) for a while. People who spend their free times thinking up solutions in the geeks field, I mean, it's not a bad thing, we would definitely need people like this to drive the world and our technology forward.

But it's also the stereotype. A stereotype that comes with "low EQ", "unable to communicate", "weird". I don't irk the stereotype, and I definitely see the reasons for such a stereotype to exist.

I take pride in thinking of myself as a "balanced geek". I definitely find my strong interest in programming and in computing, but I see not the need to indulge it in inconsequentially day and night. I like to balance it out with my singing, dancing, maybe some chatting with random people. I like to chill out with friends, gossip a lot, partake in some drinking.

Recently, I had gone to Google on a programme, and there, they shared with us a little on what kinda employees they hire, i.e. what technical qualifications they look at.

Now let me state here first and foremost, I'm not feeling snubbed or underqualified and this is a little disgruntled piece I'm writing here, no. My point here is merely to point out an example that will be explained further later, and by no means am snubbing any company or anyone.

The thing is, they only shared their technical qualifications. It seemed that the overall impression I got from them, was that they hired the stereotypical nerds. Nerds who were excellent in programming, and that they would then belong to this exclusive little club. I highly doubt this was the impression they were trying to impress upon us, but it was the impression that I had actually walked away with.

Google is definitely a company which every computer engineer envisions themselves working for, them with the amazing welfare, health benefits, LIFE benefits, the GooglePlex. Google is also at the forefront of producing products for the masses, the consumers. Products which could not possibly be the brainchild of pure geeks, products which are probably thought off by people who really know how other people work, and how to best get along with each other, etc.

It just really odd to me that after the little presentation they had given us however, it felt like they were just saying "Oh we only take the best. We don't care if you have a life outside, we don't mind if you do, but we don't care." I take no offence at the first statement. Of course they take the best. It's Google. World's currently 2nd best company (as of yesterday). However, 5 rounds of TECHNICAL interviews. I mean, I personally felt it should have maybe been "Oh, maybe 3 rounds of technical interviews and just 2 rounds of a personality determination stuff", heck, I think even if the ratio of 4:1 ain't too bad. That's how I've always envisioned Google admitting staff, that they like people with a good mix of both social lifes and their geek lifes. I'm sure honestly in the end people they take turn out fine, but why give the impression that you're looking for nerds?

And I just remembered you in your formal making me swoon.

I died a little when you said that.

I did wish you all the best, it felt so weird.

I must sound so melodramatic.

Everyday I wake up and I'm thankful at least you're not completely ignoring me, that you still treat me as a friend, speak to me, entertain my rants.

Then I remember the times where you would wake me up at 1a.m. after you finish your work so that you could cuddle with me for the night.

I remember the first time we kissed, how I felt on the inside, and how I would never want to let go of that moment.

I remember when you hugged me back, and held me in your embrace.

I remember the times when you told me you wished things were different, that we had a fighting chance in this world.

I wish I didn't, but I also remember the struggles I saw in your eyes, the guilt, the pain at times. How it hurt me so, and how I had hoped you could be free of all of it. Hopes I had for what we could have.

I hope I'm not the only one in this relationship, or whatever we had. I hope that at the very least, for whatever times you did what you did, that they were out of true feelings you had for me.

I hope that you loved me.