Thank you for the amazing evening.

I really missed just listening to you talk and go on and on and be happy and contented just looking at you, listening to you.

Thank you for not being sarcastic like how you usually are.

Thank you for making me happy.

When we watched Cloud Atlas on my laptop, and I leaned on your shoulder. And you held me.

No idea why, but I dreamt you'd be gone for 2 weeks.

I had a dream.

Where you were cuddling with me, keeping me safe, keeping me warm.

Where you were mine, and I was yours.

Where I was happy, and I could see that you were too.

It was a foreign room though, one I had never seen before. I wish I could see it again.

It really sucks, dreaming of the good times we had with each other, and then waking up.

I'm not sure how I'd rather you felt about me still.

But I wish you'd just give me a kiss.
Or just a peck on my cheek.
Or just tell me that you loved me.
Or that you still care.
Even a hug would be nice right about now.

It would be the best birthday gift in the world.

I remember lying in your chest, listening to you breath, your heart beating, how I just fell in love with those moments.

I'm not the best writer, that I'm aware of. I often have disorganized thoughts when written on paper, and it often seems like my points are all over the page.

I know I'm not exactly what you want, and you know I've possibly come to terms with it, but I wish it was me...

I'm sorry I can't match up. I would if I could.

When we sang teenage dream together, and you pulled me into you.

I feel bad as it's somewhat the song from my previous relationship, but it just feels much more real with you.

I guess at times I can come here to drop my reflections on life. I don't only think about my sadness you know.

Being in a "geek" school, you tend to attract stereotypes.

People tend to think that "Oh, he's a nerd, he probably studies all day long, or when he's free, reads up on nerd stuff and only does nerd stuff".

Okay, that may be true to a certain extent, people try to do a degree in a field in which they have an interest in, but also that they enjoy doing.

Here comes the separation.

There are people who literally do this, ALL the time. People who I know personally, who have been possibly my classmates from NUS High (see, "nerd" school) for a while. People who spend their free times thinking up solutions in the geeks field, I mean, it's not a bad thing, we would definitely need people like this to drive the world and our technology forward.

But it's also the stereotype. A stereotype that comes with "low EQ", "unable to communicate", "weird". I don't irk the stereotype, and I definitely see the reasons for such a stereotype to exist.

I take pride in thinking of myself as a "balanced geek". I definitely find my strong interest in programming and in computing, but I see not the need to indulge it in inconsequentially day and night. I like to balance it out with my singing, dancing, maybe some chatting with random people. I like to chill out with friends, gossip a lot, partake in some drinking.

Recently, I had gone to Google on a programme, and there, they shared with us a little on what kinda employees they hire, i.e. what technical qualifications they look at.

Now let me state here first and foremost, I'm not feeling snubbed or underqualified and this is a little disgruntled piece I'm writing here, no. My point here is merely to point out an example that will be explained further later, and by no means am snubbing any company or anyone.

The thing is, they only shared their technical qualifications. It seemed that the overall impression I got from them, was that they hired the stereotypical nerds. Nerds who were excellent in programming, and that they would then belong to this exclusive little club. I highly doubt this was the impression they were trying to impress upon us, but it was the impression that I had actually walked away with.

Google is definitely a company which every computer engineer envisions themselves working for, them with the amazing welfare, health benefits, LIFE benefits, the GooglePlex. Google is also at the forefront of producing products for the masses, the consumers. Products which could not possibly be the brainchild of pure geeks, products which are probably thought off by people who really know how other people work, and how to best get along with each other, etc.

It just really odd to me that after the little presentation they had given us however, it felt like they were just saying "Oh we only take the best. We don't care if you have a life outside, we don't mind if you do, but we don't care." I take no offence at the first statement. Of course they take the best. It's Google. World's currently 2nd best company (as of yesterday). However, 5 rounds of TECHNICAL interviews. I mean, I personally felt it should have maybe been "Oh, maybe 3 rounds of technical interviews and just 2 rounds of a personality determination stuff", heck, I think even if the ratio of 4:1 ain't too bad. That's how I've always envisioned Google admitting staff, that they like people with a good mix of both social lifes and their geek lifes. I'm sure honestly in the end people they take turn out fine, but why give the impression that you're looking for nerds?

And I just remembered you in your formal making me swoon.

I died a little when you said that.

I did wish you all the best, it felt so weird.

I must sound so melodramatic.

Everyday I wake up and I'm thankful at least you're not completely ignoring me, that you still treat me as a friend, speak to me, entertain my rants.

Then I remember the times where you would wake me up at 1a.m. after you finish your work so that you could cuddle with me for the night.

I remember the first time we kissed, how I felt on the inside, and how I would never want to let go of that moment.

I remember when you hugged me back, and held me in your embrace.

I remember the times when you told me you wished things were different, that we had a fighting chance in this world.

I wish I didn't, but I also remember the struggles I saw in your eyes, the guilt, the pain at times. How it hurt me so, and how I had hoped you could be free of all of it. Hopes I had for what we could have.

I hope I'm not the only one in this relationship, or whatever we had. I hope that at the very least, for whatever times you did what you did, that they were out of true feelings you had for me.

I hope that you loved me.

I think I should set some minor goals for myself this term.

• To read all my HASS readings beforehand.
• I often don't care about HASS, but it doesn't seem too hard this term, so I should at the very least read the texts.
• To understand fully my lessons
• I think I've been jumping into a lot of my work with maybe a 90% understanding, but that usually leaves me feeling worth off not knowing the last 10%. I need to fully digest every single slide to make sure I've got all 100%, before moving on to doing assignment
• To not rush into things
• I think that's the one major mistake I made in China. I need to keep myself more level handed and understand my surroundings better

You're still the only one that can make me smile no matter what.

I don't know which is worse, the fact that I'm upset, or that I'm upset and can't tell anyone else the reason why.

I hope the plan goes well and I'll at least get to enjoy that one special day with you.

I think it's relatively safe for me to post stuff here, because of the fact that nobody who surrounds me in my current life actually reads this blog. I apologise if anyone happens to stumble upon this blog to find something really juicy about me or something like that, but I'm gonna be real cryptic for my first post.

I've been upset for a while. Upset, but happy at times, when the little things you do make me smile, when the little things you say make me laugh. When I know you did something because you still care, or that you do remember.

You know how if you really like someone, and you really admire someone, for the longest time. And one day, it's reciprocated. You feel happy, elated. The other person makes you happy, and you would literally do anything for the person. It all goes well for a few weeks, everything you do together is perfect. You think that finally you've found the best thing in your life and you would never let go of it ever again.

And then they do.

There's a lead up too.

Euphoria, can be an addiction. I was addicted to your attention, and your care, and concern. I was addicted to what I thought was love. I thought I managed mental stress well, apparently I don't handle what I can't understand too well. I was trying to understand why you were doing it, and I usually attributed it to myself. You came back after a while, and we had the talk.

It was hard, but what came later was harder.

You were willing to accept my love, but your ways of returning the affection were unorthodox. It was like defusing a bomb at times, I had no idea what door I was going to open next, if I would regret it later or be happy momentarily.

I wish I could talk to you. I really do.