And I just remembered you in your formal making me swoon.

I died a little when you said that.

I did wish you all the best, it felt so weird.

I must sound so melodramatic.

Everyday I wake up and I'm thankful at least you're not completely ignoring me, that you still treat me as a friend, speak to me, entertain my rants.

Then I remember the times where you would wake me up at 1a.m. after you finish your work so that you could cuddle with me for the night.

I remember the first time we kissed, how I felt on the inside, and how I would never want to let go of that moment.

I remember when you hugged me back, and held me in your embrace.

I remember the times when you told me you wished things were different, that we had a fighting chance in this world.

I wish I didn't, but I also remember the struggles I saw in your eyes, the guilt, the pain at times. How it hurt me so, and how I had hoped you could be free of all of it. Hopes I had for what we could have.

I hope I'm not the only one in this relationship, or whatever we had. I hope that at the very least, for whatever times you did what you did, that they were out of true feelings you had for me.

I hope that you loved me.

I think I should set some minor goals for myself this term.

• To read all my HASS readings beforehand.
• I often don't care about HASS, but it doesn't seem too hard this term, so I should at the very least read the texts.
• To understand fully my lessons
• I think I've been jumping into a lot of my work with maybe a 90% understanding, but that usually leaves me feeling worth off not knowing the last 10%. I need to fully digest every single slide to make sure I've got all 100%, before moving on to doing assignment
• To not rush into things
• I think that's the one major mistake I made in China. I need to keep myself more level handed and understand my surroundings better

You're still the only one that can make me smile no matter what.

I don't know which is worse, the fact that I'm upset, or that I'm upset and can't tell anyone else the reason why.

I hope the plan goes well and I'll at least get to enjoy that one special day with you.

I think it's relatively safe for me to post stuff here, because of the fact that nobody who surrounds me in my current life actually reads this blog. I apologise if anyone happens to stumble upon this blog to find something really juicy about me or something like that, but I'm gonna be real cryptic for my first post.

I've been upset for a while. Upset, but happy at times, when the little things you do make me smile, when the little things you say make me laugh. When I know you did something because you still care, or that you do remember.

You know how if you really like someone, and you really admire someone, for the longest time. And one day, it's reciprocated. You feel happy, elated. The other person makes you happy, and you would literally do anything for the person. It all goes well for a few weeks, everything you do together is perfect. You think that finally you've found the best thing in your life and you would never let go of it ever again.

And then they do.

There's a lead up too.

Euphoria, can be an addiction. I was addicted to your attention, and your care, and concern. I was addicted to what I thought was love. I thought I managed mental stress well, apparently I don't handle what I can't understand too well. I was trying to understand why you were doing it, and I usually attributed it to myself. You came back after a while, and we had the talk.

It was hard, but what came later was harder.

You were willing to accept my love, but your ways of returning the affection were unorthodox. It was like defusing a bomb at times, I had no idea what door I was going to open next, if I would regret it later or be happy momentarily.

I wish I could talk to you. I really do.